take a sad song and make it better

i'm finally discharged!

it's been almost a week since i started falling ill,

and i have to say that the experience was......

bad.

yes it was.

but i'm not here to talk about those bad stuff.

i'm here to give thanks. (:

though i was being cooped up in that sometimes-stuffy-sometimes-noisy little Ward 54D, having such space constraints and being very bored/lonely/sick/frustrated/[insert negative adjective], somehow i feel that i've learned & grown quite a bit over the past few days (despite shrinking in physical size).

suffering took on a more real meaning to me.

there i was voicing out my feelings (to various people, oops) about how STARVED i was (aka complaining), despite being assured that i'll be able to eat soon. i even joked to myself that 'Man does not live by bread alone' is the hardest Verse for me to follow. and how Jesus fasted for forty days, but i "fast" for two days i already wanna die.

then i thought of those people who suffered for Christ.

those martyrs who were persecuted and killed.

those people who suffered for the choice they made; 

that crucial choice they made.

what was my suffering compared to theirs?

my suffering was one that was bound to get better, ultimately.

my plight was so insignificant & superficial as compared to theirs.

so why was i so weak?

what if Satan were to tempt me like how he had tempted Jesus (this time probably with kimchi ramen, nongshim cup noodles & seah im duck rice)?

will i go "oooh yay finally! i've been craving for that for days! DIG IN!"?

will i crumble in my faith?

questions in my head that went unanswered.

(digress: the hey jude song is stuck in my head haha. 

was watching across the universe just now in the tv room)

humans are really nothing compared to our Maker.

that realisation manifested itself all the more clearly to me during the times when i was going about A&E (on foot or on wheelchair) doing all the tests/jabs/scans/waiting on sunday, which lasted for more than 12hours. do you know that up till now doctors are still not 100% confirmed about my condition? and that's after so many tests, so many days!

i remember asking tianli, "don't you wish Jesus was our personal doctor?".

haha that'll be so awesome can.

because awesome will be the only word to describe His omnipotence & omniscience. because He'll know everything about my illness, down to the very last virus! 

before i can even consult Him, he knows. (:

it was an humbling experience.

Psalm 139: 1-17

(part of the Scripture i've always loved)

¹ O LORD, you have searched me 
       and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise; 
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 ³ You discern my going out and my lying down; 
       you are familiar with all my ways.

 ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue 
       you know it completely, O LORD.

 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before; 
       you have laid your hand upon me.

 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
       too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit? 
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there; 
       if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, 
       your right hand will hold me fast.

 ¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me 
       and the light become night around me,"

 ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; 
       the night will shine like the day, 
       for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being; 
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.

 ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
       your works are wonderful, 
       I know that full well.

 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you 
       when I was made in the secret place. 
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body. 
       All the days ordained for me 
       were written in your book 
       before one of them came to be.

 ¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! 
       How vast is the sum of them!

am really grateful for all who gave concern in one way or another throughout this period. (:

family members! grandma, papa, mummy, korkor, marlay our dearest maid. (: 

churchmates! cj's parents, teckbeng laoshi and his wife, hua en lao shi, mentu class people namely velma, dorcas, ah seh, sab, tp, zy, minghao, sk, julien, the rest of the youths namely jac, sel, je, huaizher, mujia, tianli, xinyi, xin an, shirlyn, esther, euph, daniel, jasper, yijun, huiyan, jenheng. (: 

dearest friends! roomie, azman, rf, xl, emme, elissa. (:

and of course those who didn't ask but knew & prayed.

thank God for all these people. (:

i know it's kinda dumb to write everyone's names.

but it's really for my own memory's keepsake.

and for me to give thanks for these people.

plus all the nurses and doctors who were really really nice to me.

especially the motherly day nurses,

who always had a smile on their faces.

thank God for them, for brightening up my could-have-been-horrible-to-the-max hospital days. (:

what a fulfilling experience.